Discover more from The Field
God ~ Part III
This family portrait made by our son Gordie when he was young warms my heart. I should probably start by clarifying that not all of us are anatomically correct. I’m sure Freud would have a hay day with this. And apologies, I wasn’t able to get a voice recording done today, spent a bit too much of my time digging out old photos and having a trip down memory lane.
Today is personal.
To be honest, I’m not really sure how to do this.
I don’t want this just to be a testimonial of my life story about how I miraculously overcome all the bumpy bits because I believed in a higher power and now I can turn water into wine.
I also want to be honest and share this and not diminish the power of my experience.
I’ll share this from a few angles and add some thoughts along with some background from where I’ve been so you can sense the possibilities for yourself, especially if you’re currently experiencing life as difficult, dark, or challenging no matter what your belief system is, again this is not Religious, this is a Human thing.
I’ve never shared my “awakening” experience publicly, not even with my family, only a few close friends know this about me but now seems as good a time as ever. It’s been a few years and now I’m ready to show up and help others if I can.
Also, I want to stay and be in my own “higher truth”, so that my ego doesn’t make an attempt to foist this onto you as a requirement for your own spiritual growth so I’m sorry if I come across that way sometimes. This may not be for you at this stage of your life or ever and that’s fine with me, but hopefully, after reading this today, you’ll at least have a deeper understanding of my personal experience and you’ll even better understand my motivations for starting this substack and where I’ll be heading with my writing and work.
Last night I went out to a local spot with a group of amazing women. They were on average about 10 years younger than me and it struck me how incredible it was for me to listen to their stories and yet how similar our “separate” or personal experiences really all are. The details names and faces change, but there are familiar threads to the joys and challenges of our lives.
In no way am I suggesting that if you do exactly what I did, or if you could only see things how I see them, you’ll become an improved or shiny new version of yourself. I can’t help but think that the flood of “f*ck it” books that have flown off our bookstore shelves in the past decade is a cultural backlash to that kind of thinking because just getting what we think we want doesn’t really change anything for long.
This just feeds the predominant thought system in the world that seems to be driven and fueled not unlike the fluctuations in our economy, by our fears and driven by a sense that something is missing or a lack that needs to be filled.
Looking back, I’m pretty sure I became a Teacher and a Life coach about 25 years ago not only because I sincerely wanted to help others become the best possible versions of themselves and make a difference, but because deep down I was drawn to it because I wanted that for me.
When I was a little girl, I used to line up my stuffed animals on my bed and hand out assignments, collect them, and give out gold stars and happy faces. I can see now, it was not to encourage them, but unconsciously to encourage me. (I’m not sure why though because it looks like I may have been qualified to sail a boat in Kindergarten?)
Maybe it came from the Western version of Christianity that was brought to us by St. Augustine. The idea is that we were born in original sin rather than in our divine perfection or “original blessing”. Whatever it was, somewhere along the line, I picked up that something at the core of me was wrong. I was innately a “bad girl”. It took up real estate in my heart and mind and became my secret identity and lasted for decades. Wherever I picked it up, it doesn’t matter because it was mine now.
I remember I even bought a little ethics book not even on my syllabus during University from the campus bookstore at Queen’s that I still have called “Being Good”. Like maybe somehow just having that on my shelf would help me solve this unconscious existential crisis that was silently affecting every single choice I made?
It was all so innocent. I can see looking back how badly I wanted that.
I was a pretty agreeable child. I enjoyed school, excelled in sports, and tried my best to fit in. I was friendly and pretty popular, but just enough to be liked, not to be a threat or outshine others. I even remember that I particularly loved playing team sports, but not competing in individual competitive sports. Here I am (top row white shirt)with my High School girlfriends that I played volleyball and basketball on the road for a tournament. So many laughs and good times, this was hands down my favorite part of going to school.
When my life eventually began to present me with challenges, I of course sensibly doubled down like I was learning a new skill and set about the work of fixing “all the things”.
Are you familiar with this? It seems like most of us at some point are led to this cultural pie or wheel of life we’ve created for ourselves. It’s Life Coaching 101, I learned this through the Life Coaches Training Institute in San Fransico 25 years ago but it seems to be everywhere today.
We are encouraged to hop on the proverbial bathroom scale of our lives and take stock. We rate our lives in all areas to notice where things are not up measuring up. With our health, our relationships, careers, and even our spirituality now and we usually begin by imagining where we’d like to be. In 1 year, in 5, 10, or in 25? As in, if time and money weren’t an issue and you could be, do, or have anything what would that be? (don’t forget to dream big!) and then maybe ice that dream cake with some “S.M.A.R.T” goals so we can see a clear path of how we’ll get here and it’s all planned perfectly and backed by science. It’s specific and measurable, I suspect you know exactly what I mean. Oh and let’s definitely clip some beautiful images for our vision boards, feel like it’s a done deal, visualize it in our mind’s eye, and get us to where we want to be. Sweet success! Goal weight. Fit body. Dream home. Clear skin. Promotion. Goal Sales. Engaged with the person of your dreams.
Ta Daaaaaaa!! Or does it?
I’ll leave that deconstruction for another day and again, please know that it’s not that doing any of that is good or bad, I’m just saying, that’s where I was in my mind before.
For decades and decades, I lived in that mindset. (Side whisper… can I just come clean and admit that my own ego still really loves that kind of work, it feels like we are just taking control of the reins, taking our power back and Marie Kondo-ing our entire lives, right?)
THIS IS NOT THAT.
This is about a shift in perception and being willing to see things differently to have a different experience of life.
This past month of writing has been magical for me. It’s helping guide me toward my interests and hone my skills, and it feels uncomfortable in the best possible way. I even feel safer each week to begin to be a bit more vulnerable and honest with my own personal experiences and I’d like this to be the beginning of more of that kind of writing.
I can see where I may have made things maybe a bit too wordy, intellectual, and philosophical. A part of me still wants to be “good” and to deliver value, but mostly I want to be real. I don’t want you to think I’m smart or clever with words and well-read because that feels like I have knowledge that you don’t. I really don’t think that’s helpful, because it’s your essential nature that I’m pointing to. A recognition, or a realization, not a change at all.
There is also a fine line because in order for you to hear what I’m about to share next if you’re at all like me then we may need to carefully disarm your ego, intellect, and defenses that will dismiss all of this next part of my story faster than you can say, Jack Robinson.
One of the teachers that initially helped me open up to any Metaphysical concepts was Marianne Williamson. She’s an incredible communicator and hearing her lectures in New York about these spiritual teachings intellectually and then seeing her help people in her live Q&A’s afterward affected me on a whole other level. I also remember having to look up some of the words she’d use regularly like “perspicacity” in her talks. The thing is, my ego liked that she was older, wiser, and knew more than I did about most topics, so I allowed her content to slowly steep into my mind.
I unlocked the gate and let her in. This was the beginning of an incredible journey.
She was intelligent, poised, and extremely worldly. She even ran in the 2020 United States presidential election (Democratic Party primaries) and rumors are she may run again, so on some level, her intelligence helped my own ego to relax, sit back, and chill out long enough for me to hear what the metaphysics were pointing to and have some hope of eventually having an experience of my own. She’d spout off countless quotes from the metaphysical text ACIM (A Course In Miracles) and I can remember taking notes furiously. I later completed her “Miracle-minded Coaching” program and sat in on some of her counseling sessions and it was a game changer for me.
After many years and repetition, I began to “get it” on a whole new level. Or maybe it got to me. She was definitely instrumental in opening the doorway to “God” for me.
My life story is probably like many of yours. I had a good childhood and I was loved by my family. Like all families, we also had our share of dysfunction, but I loved growing up on a farm. I can remember collecting the eggs and sometimes lining up with my family and shaking garbage bags in the outdoor pens of sunflowers to corral the pheasants back into the barn at night to keep them safe. I was close to nature every day. We all worked hard and pitched in (not always willingly, sorry mom and dad:) and my parents ran a tight ship. We had a big garden, lots of green space to wander in, a beautiful lake up the road to swim in, and lots of animals. I had a warm bed, healthy meals, a pony I loved to ride every day, and the opportunity to play pretty much every sport under the sun. I had great friends growing up, did pretty well in school, and had a lot of fun along the way. This quarter horse was my first true love. His name was Leo. I’m so incredibly appreciative of my parents and all they did to make my childhood what it was. I think my dad even built the fences I was jumping below and my friends and I painted them for our pony club.
High school ended in a flash and University flew by. I traveled and taught in Africa and Switzerland (pic below) and I had so many amazing adventures. I felt lucky and charmed. Good things happened to me easily and I loved my life. Life sailed along pretty smoothly into my 20s when I married my best friend, we got dogs and a house and soon after had 2 boys. I loved being a mother (and apparently dressing our boys in matching clothing, is that a Mom thing? lol)
Despite this incredibly blessed life, in my mid to late 30s, I became keenly aware of a deep growing unease or a sense of not feeling happy or fulfilled.
The best way I knew how to cope with it at the time was to distract myself by becoming more productive.
I “fawned” and made myself busy helping others, volunteering at the kid’s school, coaching sports like cross country running, starting and helping to organize groups of women and a growing cycling club by sitting on the board of directors, and raising money for charity and supporting my family. I feel tired just typing that. I once heard a new friend I’d made describe another Mom as “a squirrely Mom”. She went on to clarify with an eye roll..“you know the super Mom complex, the crazy busy kind” in a way that wasn’t complimentary. At all. I think maybe my heart sank at that moment, because like it or not, she had essentially just described me. Co-President of the Home & School committee, organizing surprise designer staff room makeovers for teachers’ lounge, teacher appreciation luncheons, running fundraisers and fun fairs.
I think you get the picture.
I was so busy making awesome loot bags, throwing the best birthdays, volunteering in my community, and having fun with friends that were totally unaware of what I was feeling. Around this time, I was offered a modeling contract with a “vintage modeling agency” specializing in more mature models. was even flown to NYC to film a commercial for a sports supplements brand staying in a cool hotel and walking the streets in Manhattan I felt like I was on cloud nine. It was a fleeting feeling, but I ran on all of that adrenaline and I liked burning the candle at both ends. I was also knee-deep in disordered eating and even dabbled with bulimia before photo shoots. I was being paid to look good and I took that seriously.
But then thankfully, some boulders began to block my path.
One was chronic pain, like the I can’t walk anymore kind. I loved running on the trails behind our chalet called the Bruce Trail with our dog. That feeling of tired legs and lungs or getting to a finish l made me feel at the time like I was fully alive. Instead of feeling numb, I felt something…. even if it was blisters and cramps. I tried some triathlons for fun, cycled and swam and over time the distance got farther and the challenges got harder as they seem to do.
Eventually, I made my way to a full Ironman finish line and even the Boston Marathon and mountain biking in 24-hour relays. Loving all of the incredible people, adventures, and experiences along the way. You probably guessed it, but God was not on my mind or anywhere near it as far as I was concerned, I didn’t really need him. My whole vibe was very much “I’ve got this” and it felt like everything I needed I got from the material world. In nature and my body.
Looking back, it DID feel good for a short time, but eventually, in time my chronic hip pain sidelined me. I tried to keep going. I eventually limped my way into a cane and a walker with a congenital degenerative disease that required double hip replacements and well, it was all perfect really.
Not being able to keep doing what I was doing and loved to do, I became depressed. My whole identity was wrapped up in that friendly pretty image I had carefully curated and projected out into the world.
I’m not sure why, I guess it was fear. I felt ashamed, or it was self-preservation because who wants a sad life coach? Whatever the motivation, I hid my depression from everyone, even my own husband.
It happened so slowly or incrementally that I’m not sure when it go so bad, but I can remember crying in secret, mostly in the shower and never letting the kids see me down. Like when I was alone in the car.
I suppose I really didn’t think deep down like I had anything legitimate to be sad about. I had traveled to over 60 countries at this stage of my life and saw firsthand the thousands of people that lived in squalor and cardboard-box cities. I held babies with AIDS and met mothers whose own children had died in their arms. They had reasons to be sad. I didn’t think mine qualified as anything more than pathetic champagne troubles.
I also got the sense that Scott had enough on his mind with working and being a father and juggling the stresses in his own life, so I neatly tucked it all behind my smile and life-loving nature, cheered my kids at the sidelines, packed fun lunches for the kids, folded their laundry “just so”, and tried my very best to overcome the rising tide of sadness that seemed to be enveloping me.
Looking back, I couldn’t have possibly orchestrated my own egoic unraveling any better or faster if I tried.
Before long, I had trouble getting out of bed. I was so deluded and totally attached to my psychology.
My thinking. My story. My needs. It was all me, me, me, me.
I went to therapy on and off, but in truth, I really couldn’t afford it I had so much debt so I had two sessions with one great psychologist who sent me to an ACA meeting at a church on Bloor Street in Toronto.
I was exposed to God “in the rooms” and to be honest, I wasn’t happy about it. I struggled with the first three steps. God was less of an understanding and more of a misunderstanding for me. He didn’t really exist for me. I was a practically-minded science and nature girl, but I went to 12-step meetings there each week on and off for years, which felt like free therapy.
I participated in group step studies and joined some online recovery groups. I did everything they said, I stopped drinking alcohol, cleaned sugar and all processed and refined foods out of my diet, and did everything humanly possible to control things, including doing energy work, and juice cleanses I even FASTED for 40 days once. Yes, I did that. I practiced Kundalini yoga, woke up at dawn, and tried chanting and meditation. I even signed up to be a Recovery Coach so I could learn all the nitty gritty. Basically, I was so desperate that if it worked for anyone else, I tried it with barely any questions asked.
But the important bit here is that God as a concept had entered back into the building. He hadn’t been around since my Catholic school days when I lied about believing in Him. Like Santa. I definitely didn’t want to burn in eternal hell so I went along with the evacuation plan. I lied. Now sh*t was getting real for me I was a bit less judgemental about it all.
At least I was sober, but not thriving by any means. I was at such a low level of consciousness that the harder I tried, the more I felt trapped. Like my wings were clipped and I was stuck in the mud. My compulsions seemed to be secretly growing stronger than ever and I was so tired of fighting it all.
I was miserable. I felt out of integrity so I couldn’t bring myself to even work until I sorted myself out. I couldn’t even help myself, so why did I think even with the dump truck full of useless degrees and certifications that I’d accumulated in 40 years that I could help others?
I slowly pulled away from my friends and withdrew from life trying to sort myself out on my own and I finally hit my lowest point on August 11th, 2014.
I remember that particular date because it was the day Robin Williams committed suicide. He was suffering from the triple “diagnosis” of a painful and degenerative chronic disease, addiction, and depression. I had a cathartic cry thinking that it was about the loss of such an incredibly gifted man who had accomplished so much. I grew up being entertained by him. “Dead Poets Society” and “Good Will Hunting” were two of my all-time favorite movies. Watching the tributes on TV I sincerely believed I was crying for our collective loss.
I heard a gentle reassuring voice, well it was more like an imprint in my mind that didn’t come from my own brain that kept saying “it’s okay Nona, you’re going to be okay”. That was it. I crumbled literally to the floor and well, I think I was crying so hard that no sound came out of my mouth. I realized at that moment that I was facing that same triple thread of chronic pain, addiction, and depression.
I was up at our chalet in Collingwood and I remember our dog Molly came over and started to lick me and whine. She poked me with her cold nose in a special way she’d never done before. I’ll never forget that moment, it was a turning point. I told my husband everything I was feeling and I asked for help. My best thinking had gotten me to this place so I knew I could no longer rely on my own ability or intelligence to pull myself out of this hole.
It’s hard to sit here and write this. I feel teary. It was so dark and it’s hard to describe, it’s not like I just felt down or was in a dark place because of my life circumstances, I felt like I WAS the darkness between 2012 and 2014 and I wanted it all to stop. I hear people say they don’t understand how anyone could do that, could take their own lives especially if they have children.
No judgment, but I do.
I get it.
It wouldn’t be a stretch for me to say that Robin Williams saved my life the day that he lost his own. The thoughts that others would be better off without me had started to surface almost daily and my mind seemed to think that was a real solution to all of my problems. I adored my family but I just didn’t see an end in sight and I was so tired.
I had lost hope. This was 10 years ago and since then so many people have stepped forward and made things better for people that suffer from depression and anxiety in their recovery, but at the time, I just didn’t feel like a poster girl for anything.
But at least I was conscious of it now so I surrendered and accepted it. I admitted to others that I needed help. I took responsibility for all of it. My lies and my life. It felt better for a bit and I was relieved of the burden of just being honest and telling the truth for a change, but in all honesty, things shifted veeeeeerry slowly.
I was still fighting myself. This went on for about six years between 2014 and 2020 and I met a wonderful recovery community of friends I felt supported and zig-zagged in and out of a kind of mild remission. I was fine, but I wasn’t really better or thriving, I was still dealing with serious health issues and chronic pain and it felt like a full-time freaking job to manage it all.
I tried to meditate daily but mostly it felt like me sitting there with my eyes closed wondering how much time had passed, trying not to think and just thinking more. I did yoga and even became a meditation and yoga instructor, I ate meticulously, and it did nothing really. I didn’t feel differently just like I had more to do on top of caring for my kids and family.
I had my hip surgeries over the next 5 or 6 years and while they helped a great deal with my physical pain, I was still limping.
I eventually accepted things as they were and slowly started to love myself as I was. And others as they were. I fell in love with my husband all over again. I couldn’t love someone more.
Ann Lamott reminded me about something that you hear in recovery or step meetings about people in recovery, we DO eventually let go, but we leave claw marks. It makes me laugh because it’s true.
As a joke, I literally ordered a white flag off amazon for myself, and the moment it arrived I symbolically started to WAVE it to the Universe. I gave up trying to fix my life. I still have it tucked away and it’s the best $10 I ever spent. I realize now that I waited for waaaaaaaaay too long to say “UNCLE”. My ego was pretty strong and stubborn. Just like that game, we played as kids where you push back on your partner’s hand and you don’t stop until they admit defeat which is usually after our fingertips are white as snow and there are probably some hairline fractures in our phalanges.
I slowly began to see the light. I felt grateful for small things first. My breath. The trees. I just got on with my life. I took the focus off of myself and my troubles and I started to help others and serve in my community as the Director of a yoga studio. I was exposed to so many amazing teachers and teachings and I’m grateful for that healing time.
The metaphysical teachings I was doing daily began to sink in and I then intuitively felt more and more compassion for others and myself. I softened. I was drawn to read other metaphysical texts and experiences seemed to find me now. I still studied the bible and still do but the catalyst of both together made something shift inside of me. The teachings resonated with me on such a deep level in new ways, that most mornings I’d feel teary with gratitude. They gave me goosebumps and they seemed incredibly powerful lifting me from the inside out.
They still do.
I started to truly experience small glimmers of my own Divinity, especially when I was in nature. I knew on some level that I wasn’t separate from “God”.
I began to listen to the soft animal of my body as Mary Oliver calls it and look for signs. I used to light a candle, give thanks and take time to really just FEEL it in my bones and heart. I started every day intentionally, I’d create my day in service to others and I would ask for signs and ask for them “in such a way that I have no doubt that it comes from you”… and they came.
I even enjoy getting still and quiet now. No fancy apps, cushions, no insight timers, no watches, and other people’s practices. Silence.
It became my favorite time of day. That plus sunrises and sunsets.
I listened and began to re-read all the books on my shelves more than once and noticed things I had missed on the first go around. I became more open to other teachings. I learned from others who had enlightenment experiences, near-death experiences and experienced miraculous healings.
The teachings FINALLY all began to sink in and make sense intellectually. I accepted them as a possibility for myself experientially. I became willing to see things differently.
And then after literally 50 years, one day….
The nickel dropped and I finally “got it” in a single moment in 2020 I was conveniently in a small cabin by myself in front of a fire on a river in a small town called Kimberly.
I don’t remember the exact date, but I do vividly recall my mouth dropping open and I remember covering my wide-open mouth with both of my hands in shock.
It was a surreal moment. In a flash, I felt an energetic shift in my body. It felt like a change was happening to my whole being. Even my senses and my vision changed. My ears were popping from some kind of pressure so I cleared my nose like I do when I’m diving or on an airplane to release the built-up pressure. There was a persistent strong tingling at the back of my neck and head and on my “3rd eye” or 6th chakra that lasted for days.
I have trouble describing it, but it was so incredible that I wept with joy this time, not sadness.
I felt totally free. It was amazing. In fact, I’m tearing up now thinking about it because it felt otherworldly. Like so much love poured into me all at once like I was being lifted out of my heaviness somehow. Like the same me or note, but vibrating at a much higher octave or frequency.
Ok, let’s stop the bus and pull over here.
I know, I KNOW…this must sound strange, and I guess if It wasn’t happening to me I probably would think that too, in fact, I still question it with my rational mind to this day.
It’s kind of like that feeling when you consciously manifest something and it arrives so perfectly like a new truck, a trip to a faraway land that was on your vision board but it’s like our brain says…nooo. Not possible. Just a coincidence. We explain it away. So I kept it mostly to myself trying to process it all. Was it temporary? I would I slip back to my old way of feeling? Was this a fluke? My ego was obviously still active, I was far from an “awakened” being.
I also had other surprises coming. New images came to me when I meditated and I saw the most incredible visions in my “mind’s eye” if that’s a thing. I can’t think of a better word. Fractal patterns that were so intricate they astounded me, and sacred geometry I’d never really seen anything so bright or colored as it or could even describe it. I had no idea what on earth any of it meant, but it was like I had 20/20 vision but my eyes were closed. It was so vibrant and clear and I know this must sound like someone telling you about their ayahuasca journey I’m sorry for that, but it was so incredible and I was totally sober and definitely not doing any psychedelics!
Weeks later and then months passed and my abilities or this feeling and ability came and went. It was never as intense and it seemed that the more I was in my thinking mind, the less access I had to it. I felt a sense of loss when it went away. When I tried to get it back or grasp it with sound healing and reiki but it didn’t budge with that alone, I could only access it from inside my own mind. My own consciousness.
I began to google for answers and pull out my yoga teacher training books and I found some familiar and similar descriptions to what I had experienced.
The practicalities of this spiritual experience are endless, and some things others have experienced I have not, but the ones I’ve identified with my own are:
Incredible calmness. Like Eckhart Tolle kind of stillness.
I was fully present for the FIRST time in my life. I finally got what hype was all about.
I felt wonder-filled. Everything looked different somehow. Lit up and more vibrant. There was a visible bioluminescent glow of light on the edges of everything alive.
I felt safe and calm, I wasn’t ever really afraid of any of it. It felt MORE ultimate somehow.
ALL my addictions, disordered eating and bingeing, and cravings…were gone. Nada, none, not even a pang for a Timbit which I used to find irresistible. I just lost all of my compulsive urges at once through NO effort of my own.
I lost my desire and interest in material things. Including jewelry. Like I could wear the same white tee shirt, jeans, and sneakers forever and it wouldn’t be a problem for me. I left home without makeup and just wear it on special occasions.
Re: Covid & global pandemic- one observation that may be totally unrelated is that during covid my yoga studio closed so I lost my job, our holiday plans were canceled and we lost money, and our investments were not doing well. Everyone was worked up about vaccination protocols and I tried to fit in and join the conversations but I just wasn’t riled up. I wasn’t mad at our Prime Minster or our Liberal Government. For travel restrictions or anything. I had care and concern for others, but I secretly just didn’t mind any of it. I even loved having my husband working from home.
I began to notice that wild animals were less afraid of me. Birds, squirrels, bunnies, deer. Here’s one…this cute seagull came out of nowhere, I had no food to give it and it nearly flew INSIDE my truck but when I closed my window it sat on my hood and faced me it stared at me for so long that I laughed and couldn’t resist eventually snapping this picture of it…
Anger, resentment, and blame appear to have left the building.
Fear of death, aging, and loss which seemed VERY real to me before are also absent from my experience.
The Anxiety and depression that used to be my daily experience are non-existent. (I didn’t and don’t take any prescription drugs or anti-depressants and I of course don’t judge anyone that does- I know they save lives, but in case you’re wondering all of this happened naturally. No drugs of any kind)
I’m genuinely happy. Even with my body. I stopped weighing myself and dieting. I don’t even think about food much at all now.
Nothing has changed physically, but the pain in my hips is gone. I don’t limp anymore.
Not sure if this is even related but just an observation. I have not had covid yet (I’m knocking on wood) but most of my family and all of my friends have had it, and some more than once. I even stayed in a hotel room in Miami with 2 girlfriends that had it and tested positive soon after we hugged goodbye.
I feel a palpable sense of connection or unity with the world around me.
I forgive easily now, I see past our human reactions and behavior.
Also, present now and stronger than ever is an almost selfless desire to love and support my fellow human beings.
I shared this strange news with my husband. He looked a bit concerned and confused at first when I tried my best but failed to describe it very well, but he was so amazing he just loved and supported me.
It’s like I’m still just me, but with a deep unwavering sense of well-being that has nothing to do with how I look on the outside or what I do. It has nothing to do with practices, techniques, religion, breathwork, yoga, or meditation. It doesn’t even matter how unbalanced my wheel of life looks from the outside, it’s like I can roll along just fine no matter what because it’s about my essential nature.
It’s hard to describe but it feels very loving and divine. Like a mystery that transcends our understanding of who or what we really are.
I’ve experienced ALL four of the Human understandings of God from Part I now. This simple but deep experience and connection with the Divine has changed my entire worldview and perspective. Like Jung was quoted when asked about God… “I don’t believe, I know”. God is a hyper being, the ground of my being, and an event to me now.
It must have seemed like social suicide to my friends and family and come out as a “Reverend” and post about God on my social media, something OLD me NEEEEEEEEEVER EVER would have done. Not in a million. The fear of what others might think was paralyzing. My fear is still there but just doesn’t have the same kind of hold on me. My writing and work are directing me towards sharing this publically so I can help others be open to it so that they can find and connect with this more harmonious and expansive state of being for themselves.
How exactly I’m not sure, to be honest, since we know it’s not given through our intellect like most things we learn, but I will backtrack and share what I found most helpful for others to have this insight or inner shift. I’ll stay open and see where I’m guided. Like you, I’m not sure where it’s taking us to have this experience at this stage in our Human evolution, but one thing is for sure, I’m TOTALLY taken with it and by it.
I feel loved. I am love. I love others like they are me.
From this place, it really does feel like anything is possible.
I once read in ACIM that “we think we have many problems but we really only have one, our separation from God” and now I can say that is literally true as I have experienced that personally for myself, and I’m also sure that hearing that 10 years ago would have definitely made me cringe. I get that too.
I hope this 3 part series about God has been helpful, I appreciate your private messages and emails. I’m starting to see that we all feel a bit shy about these spiritual topics and so I don’t mind either way.
Next week is our Q&R video. Is there anything on your mind or any questions you’d like me to respond to?
(Now that you know me better than most, I feel like we can drop the formalities)