Walking the Talk
The Bliss Of Blamelessness
I hope you’ve realized by now that I’m not covering the topic of integrity because I have it in spades and I’m here to dole it out to you. In this case, the saying that we teach what we want (need?) to learn is certainly true.
The spiritual context of integrity is not about judgment, or the fear of bad karma, religious rules, morality, or ethics - it’s more of a spiritual philosophy that points out the impact you have on your mind and experience of life when you harm others and in turn, yourself.
All spiritual work is really about a healed mind.
I once heard philosopher Peter Rollins say we are like haunted houses.
The things we choose to do, even in childhood come back to haunt us.
We are also all haunted by the memory of those we love, and those with whom we feel we have unfinished business. While they may no longer be with us or in our lives, a faint aroma of their presence remains.
A presence that haunts us until we make our peace with them and let them go.
The problem we face is that we tend to spend energy attempting to avoid truth.
We numb it out or construct an image of ourselves that seeks to shield us from an imagined confrontation with our ghosts.
It’s maybe why we all encounter our ghosts at night lying in bed.
Ruminating in our minds.
We are all 100% human and we are more alike than the labels we put on ourselves seem to imply.
What is deepest and most intimate in us is most Universal.
Last week we touched on the importance of integrity and its redemptive power to free us from suffering.
How do we cultivate integrity in our day-to-day lives?
Today I’ll share the 2,600-year-old secret ingredients that make what the Buddhist monks call living “the bliss of blamelessness” where the highest happiness in life comes from knowing that you’ve done no wrong to anyone. It’s a journey we’re all on whether we’re Christian or Atheist, Democrat or Republican, Heterosexual or Homosexual.
We are all 100% human.
“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.”
Martin Buber
In Buddhism, ‘the Pārami’ (commonly translated as perfection) are the qualities that help us develop and reach true happiness, our highest potential.
In other words, to live in integrity we must be aligned with our true nature.
These guidelines explain how we can have this blissful experience of being fully conscious and present in our true power. We all have the same needs and fear the same things. Press deep enough into each other’s hearts and we find one another. We all experience disappointment, sorrow and loss, loneliness and illness.
We have a deep desire to belong.
We long to create peace and flourish.
We need to give and receive love and deserve compassion.
Before we dive in, it feels right to interject here that I’m drawing on ancient and wise Buddhist technologies, they are attributes common to all major world religions, the essential Spiritual Laws or the golden rules of the Universe.
There is a commonality exposed that is so illuminating that understanding it and embodying it has the power to free and guide us to new ways of seeing and perceiving.
The top two mistakes we make wiht spiritual teachings are :
We are myopic. If we identify with a chosen religion, political party, or identity-based on a learned or inherited belief (including atheism) and we discriminate against or criticize other belief systems…or are defensive of a particular point of view, that is our human ego. If we are well versed in only one area of study, we have no clue what we are even judging. In my experience, the wisest and most intelligent people on earth can often be heard saying “I don’t know”.
We strike at these teachings when the iron is too hot. In other words, when you’re deeply stuck or in grief and can barely see straight. If you’ve been crying hard for 9 hours and your mascara is giving you Alice Cooper eyes, you are not in an ideal frame of mind to absorb new spiritual teachings.
We can’t expect to learn the Juma prayer, engage in Puja, or host a Shabbat dinner to help us resolve negative issues when we are IN the negative issues.
But these sacred teachings have the potential to create a powerful foundation to teach and inspire you to new heights.
When we feel calm and centered in a beginner's mind we can receive these. I like taking them in after meditating first thing in the morning when everyone is still asleep and my ego or material mind is still offline. They can go straight to my heart.
I often hear sharp criticism of cherry-picking from different traditions.
Drilling down in one tradition can, of course, be helpful and create a deep sense of meaning and belonging. Experiencing many different lineages over the past two decades, my stance has softened. Once the golden thread that weaves through all of them is recognized, it becomes hard to unsee or even affiliate with just one, because if something is true, it must be true for ALL of Humanity.
Otherwise, it’s simply perception. They are all pointing to a truth that has the power to set us free.
“Two descriptions are better than one.”
Gregory Bateson (Meta-scientist)
As above, so below.
It’s such a relief to understand this. I can even see the same truth in Biology. In Physics. In nature. The more areas I can deepen my understanding in, the clearer the picture of who we are and why we’re here.
And it’s EXCITING!!
I recently heard a professor of religion (Jeffrey Kripal) say on a podcast that he doesn’t like religions because they exclude one another on this horizontal or social plane. They unwittingly create a lot of suffering and violence - not just on land with machine guns, but in our minds. And yet he is still professing about world religions because they are highly intelligent resources beyond our human temperaments.
We are terrible at emphasizing sameness or looking for possibilities of truth in the other to find out what we do have in common.
There is a heavily policed illusion of what is considered scientific, or that our religion is the right and only true one. Even though there is no such thing as a science or a religion that isn’t a mishmash of everything that came before it, it’s something that few people ever address, which is there IS no such thing as a pure tradition. Zoroastrianism influenced the development of Judaism (with a verifiable percentage of identical teachings) which resulted in the birth of Christianity.
Today, regardless of our belief system, let’s hover above them all and see what these Buddhist teachings have to offer us.
“This one way connects the crab to the lobster and the orchid to the primrose, and all of them to me.”
Gregory Bateson
It seems we are stronger BECAUSE of our diversity. We can separate ourselves but we all have an International heart and with the power of the internet, we are all learning how connected we are in a way that just wasn’t possible four or five hundred years ago and this is exciting.
There isn’t even a binary between liberal humanities and science anymore.
And it is not academia that gets us there, it is a life that does.
Idealism and superiority are kicked out of us as we go through life.
Cherry-picking is an affirmation OF our transcendence.
Okay, enough of that… it’s time to give you the goods!!
A Stairway to Heaven
One thing I admire about Buddhism is how simple and relevant the teachings are for all of us in modern times. The ‘Pāramis’ helps us understand and experience the inherent order in the process of integrity.
Instead of working with each component separately, one naturally leads to the next, like a set of stairs.
Each step supports the one that follows. Skim down this list today and then come back to read them over a few more times when you have some quiet time to yourself to reflect until they feel embodied.
By focusing on one at a time in their natural order, the task becomes significantly easier. Each step transports us to a different elevation. Same terrain, a different perspective - a much more empowered place of clarity, strength, commitment, and consequently more joy.
The 10 Components of Being in Integrity:
1. Generosity
This first foundational step is about the pure motivation of the heart and love. Lubricating our sense of abundance, sharing freely all of our resources with gifts, actions, and words in service to others.
“In my experience, generosity never leads to remorse.”
Joseph Goldstein
I like to think of this one as spiritual kindergarten. To teach generosity, some Buddhist monks teach their students how to pass a rock from one hand to the other. One hand does not keep tabs and expects anything from the other hand. There is no attachment just movement.
This quality of heart is one way we stay aligned and you know you are because it feels so darned good. Giving without expecting anything in return, not even a note of gratitude, a smile or a thank you is generosity in its purest form.
When our motivations are pure and sincere, they tend to arise like an impulse at the moment to help and can be easily done anonymously.
A reader told me this week that she was inspired by the list of the things I loved about my husband that I wrote and shared on Valentine’s Day. From her generous spirit she complimented me and the piece, and with that same spirit of generosity made her personalized list for her husband’s birthday. It was funny and heartfelt and she said he was so moved and loved it so much that he had it framed and told her it was the best gift he had ever received.
What is one small and generous thing you could do today?
2. Virtue
Honoring the divine essence in all of life by committing to not harming.
Easier said than done.
We share a life force. Even plants, fruits, and vegetables have it. And the big spider that is walking over the pile of books beside me right now -he’s also here to live his best life.
To be honest, before this understanding was on my radar, spiders and houseflies used to be a definite must-squash for me. I never even thought about it, it’s what the fly swatter is for, right?
It’s a way of thinking or a rationalization that is problematic for all of life.
This step is not only about refraining from killing, stealing, sexual misconduct, wrongful speech, and using intoxicants - it’s about our intentions.
You may be thinking COME ON Nona, that’s ridiculous, it’s just a fly and it seems that way, but Buddhists understand that INTENTION is the driving force behind karma.
Throughout our lives, we are bound to hurt someone or something without meaning to like the bugs we kill on our windshield or even a friend’s feelings with our honesty. That’s a part of life. We don’t intend it and it is not what this one is about.
Accidents happen.
VIRTUE, on the other hand, is why millions (billions?) that practice the religions of Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, and Sikhism around the world refrain from eating meat.
It’s not black and white.
In Hinduism for example, verse 5.33 of Manusmriti (one of the first Sanskrit texts to be translated into English) states that meat may be eaten in a time of adversity, verse 5.27 recommends that eating meat is okay if not eating meat may place a person's health and life at risk.
I may find it tasty, but I’d have trouble killing the cow or the pig with my own hands for my next meal.
I’ve also noticed that when I relax and leave the spiders alone, they are usually gone in a day or two. If I’m not comfortable sharing accommodations, I can also scoop them onto a piece of paper or in a cup and release them outside alive.
I feel better when I do. I used to wince when I squished a bug in a Kleenex and now it just feels right to live and let live. In the same way that we were relieved the other night when a bunny just barely missed a truck’s tire crossing the road on our evening walk. I know it’s wrong because killing them feels bad.
It’s unnecessary.
When humans kill humans, it causes trauma. We are not meant to kill, this is why we live in haunted houses.
And back to bugs, if you could zoom in closer or get to know them, you might be surprised by their complex patterns, colors, and intricate beauty- doesn’t it feel like nature is trying to tell us something?
Virtue is about purity in speech, action, and livelihood.
Moral excellence, right thinking and action, and goodness in general.
Minus the judgment. It’s like a peace of mind based on non-remorse.
A Non-hangover:)
“Meritorious actions hold the key to happiness in our lives. They are the seeds of happiness of all kinds, both temporary worldly success and all spiritual accomplishments.”
Joseph Goldstein
What is ONE thing you can refrain from today that is harming you or another?
3. Let Go (Renunciation)
Letting go of ALL that no longer serves you. Restraining your desires, giving something you like and want up voluntarily, often at a sacrifice to you.
I get it. This one doesn’t look like it would improve your weekend, but hold up!
Let’s spend a few minutes here because I’m convinced that we all struggle with this one to some degree.
This pārami is pointing out our insatiable wanting of more. A better-suited partner, the perfect pair of shoes, deeper meditations, more money, a different job, a better body, more followers, and a nicer house on a better street but we’re being taught here that these are enticing empty promises.
We all get caught up in the web of I would be happier if ________, which is THE SOURCE of a bucketful of lifelong dissatisfaction and much suffering.
Can this be turned off? Yes.
We can transcend the part of our mind that feels lacking. We can still have nice things but the dissatisfaction part of the equation of where we are now, or what we have can be turned right down.
It’s our awareness that can disempower our egoic desires so we can focus on more soul-satisfying ones. It’s not deprivation, it’s more of a renunciation. The command comes from our higher spirit mind or consciousness, not our brains or our psychology.
Some Buddhists call this non-addiction. It’s the absence of the frequency of mind that we can so easily get caught up in when we’re unaware.
We can begin to feel like WE are the ones being consumed - I sometimes feel this with technology or social media. When Scott goes away I can stay up too late at night watching Netflix or getting sucked into a social media vortex. An hour will fly by or even two and I will lose myself in it and feel nothing.
It happens to all of us with food, shopping, gambling, sex, love, drugs, alcohol, self-help, phones, gaming, etc…
A desire arises in our brains, it feels evocative, biological, it’s unrelenting, pulsing with promise and we capitulate.
It’s often the opposite of our highest mind’s intentions for our lives. We may want to be healthy, but we can’t seem to stop vaping or smoking. Sugar is everywhere. We want to gossip less or eat more plants and less meat but everyone around is gossiping and grilling steaks.
Then we feel conflicted.
Insatiable wanting is the CAUSE of much of so much of our suffering. Awareness comes in before we can shift our behaviors.
Our cravings recede when we stop feeding them.
Yes at first maybe that means rehab. Or fasting. Or moving our RV out of the casino parking lot. Whatever we need to do to get away from the frequency of addiction.
Simplicity and renunciation are two of the greatest gifts in my life.
It has nothing to do with deprivation and everything to do with freedom.
Our self-destructive patterns are the least interesting thing about us. Let’s stop allowing them to lead our identity. Our greatest life challenges are not our whole story.
The excitement to me is in the new story of unveiling in the present who we are beneath our coping mechanisms. The worth that’s been buried inside us waiting to be noticed. The latent gifts and desires we both know you feel.
Is there something in your life that feels like it has control over you or that you keep fighting a battle with and losing?
4. Wisdom
Deepening your understanding through internal inquiries as things arise that challenge you.
We are encouraged to look to wisdom teachings from luminaries and wise elders, but also to the tutor within…. your intuition.
Get still. Close your eyes and wait. Patiently. TRUST. Answers come 100% of the time.
I confess I’ve struggled with this one but it’s been a GAME CHANGER.
Ask a question and you will live the answer.
For some, they receive internal downloads or vision but for me, it comes in the form of a hunch, a book, a person I meet, or a coincidence.
Intuition fascinates me. It’s my favorite way of staying in alignment- I love learning how to communicate with life directly and I’m astounded by the answers and synchronicities that guide me in all areas of my life.
Activating this dormant dimension in myself has given me the realization that this wisdom is everywhere and has been my whole life, but I just wasn’t open to it until I suffered.
We simply need to be ready and willing.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
Rumi
We can develop a more beneficent self-concept, but it’s impossible to do so when we want to retain our old concepts of ourselves.
“No one learns beyond his own readiness.”
ACIM
There are many millions of different wise teachers, also students just a bit ahead of us on the path. Their teachings and books appear to us at the perfect time to choose to learn from both modern and ancient or both.
Here are a handful of my personal favorites.
Who speaks truth to your heart? You’ll know because you’ll feel it - it will resonate as true.
5. Energy/courage
This step is about courage, perseverance, and vigor (in other words, a mind that does not retreat from difficulties).
A healed mind can stay present in the moment.
An unhealed mind struggles.
Sometimes, a thing that we would think could sap our energy ends up being life-giving.
A personal spiritual and physical example of this in the short term is that right now is doing an extended water fast. Food appears to be our main source of energy, but I’m not eating food, and yet I feel more energized and clear-minded than when I do eat. It also feels culturally challenging and outside of my comfort zone to skip meals.
What will I learn or feel by sticking to it and not retreating from the fast?
What will I learn if I quit?
Going to therapy to go into our pain or “through” it as they say, sitting to meditate, doing breathwork, or listening to someone with our whole attention and not interrupting them is life-affirming.
“This willingness to stay with it is what makes everything possible.”
Joseph Goldstein
Where do you retreat from difficulties in your life?
6. Patience
This step is about our ability to relax and simply be with things as they are.
Accepting what is.
Meeting all our days with a plan that we hold loosely so that if we’re required to wait 20 minutes longer than expected for our driver’s license renewal or on the phone with our internet provider when our service is temporarily interrupted. I can remember trying to get our children to school on time and losing my mind over this one when they dawdled and were still in their pajamas when it was time to get in the car.
Not only are we asked to rise to this but we are being asked to do it…
Without complaint and with compassion.
I used to love reading Mo Williams's book “Knuffle Bunny” to our kids and I think any parent whose child has lost a favorite stuffy or has gone boneless in public when they didn’t get what they wanted can appreciate the power of staying calm when our patience is running thin.
One personal example this week was that Scott tried to get groceries last weekend, but the store was closed because of Easter. I offered to help out by doing an online order on Tuesday. When I went to the store parking lot to pick them up at our pre-arranged pick-up time, they came out and told me it would just be a few more minutes, again and again.
After 70 minutes they were loaded into my car. Ten years ago I would have been in a tizzy, but now I enjoy sitting in the sun with my window down and responding to personal messages on my phone. I smiled gratefully when they came and told them I understood when they apologized profusely and explained that they were understaffed.
What makes you feel impatient in your life? How do you let it go in the moment?
7. Truthfulness
Your ability to act and speak in accord with truth is an indication of your loyalty, trustworthiness, honesty, and sincerity.
This one is big. What surprises me about this one is HOW difficult it is.
I had no idea how untrue I was being until I sat with this non-judgmentally and did a compassionate inquiry of my own.
“Your body is a communication device.”
ACIM
Rising above the tree line of my own life, I can see now that it’s not helpful to pay MORE attention to a deluded mind. To self-examine a narrative through a lens of fixing, guilt, shame, or defilement.
If we can’t see our greed, hate, delusion, conceit, wrong views, doubts, torpor, restlessness, shamelessness, and recklessness then WHO can help us?
No one.
It needs to come from us. When we do, miracles can ensue.
If you had a magical drone with Xray thought vision hovering above your life what would you see replayed on tape? What are you doing? Saying? Thinking? Exaggerating?
Today let’s try something new and look with interest and curiosity, not judgment.
Are you seeing yourself truthfully?
What concepts are you indulging in about yourself?
8. Resoluteness
This step is about your determination to follow your aspirations with an unwavering, faithful resolve.
Why not aspire to greatness?
When I started to mountain bike I had to walk over the rock gardens and up steep hills. They were just too steep and scary for me. Hard to maneuver my bike through. When I saw them, I felt dread. People passed me. I hated them (the hills, not the people) but I felt more like Eeyore to their Tigger.
But somewhere along the way, after some coaching…my attitude changed. I had new thoughts that came automatically to mind… “Oh good! here comes a hill!” or “Just keep peddling” in a rock garden. The challenges were strengthening me from the inside out, like lifting heavier and heavier weights over time because I was adapting and becoming a more confident and stronger rider.
I went in a 24-hour relay and learned that it’s easier to ride through the rock gardens at night, I never had to get off my bike and walk simply because I had a focus. I was told to just keep peddling!! I was no longer psyched out, and it was very revealing to me.
Notice the times when you want an aspiration but don’t follow through.
Parami means purification of the heart and mind and it’s a practice.
It’s not one and done, there is no end to this work just layers with deeper dimensions of peace and freedom.
Our ability to carry on without giving up is about understanding that the difficulties and boulders in our way are a part of the way.
What do you aspire to?
WHAT DO YOU WANT??
Let’s invite your intuition up to the microphone to answer the question this time because only the voice inside of YOU knows the real answer to this. Not the part of you that answers this question like a bored waitress listing off the specials for the 100th time.
9. Loving Kindness
If you would like to sleep peacefully, wake peacefully, dream peaceful dreams, and experience love this is the step for you…
It’s about benevolence.
Specifically your Kindness, affection, and love for others and all of life.
Pay attention today when you meet people throughout the day. Notice when you are kind and when you are not.
I find it fascinating to hear how many people who have NDEs (Near-death experiences) describe a peculiar phenomenon. They describe experiencing a life review when their whole life flashes before their eyes and minds and how surprising it is to them that they don’t see the things you’d expect or the big things we accomplish as celebrate in life. Not entrepreneurial success or the day our company goes public, we pass the bar or become a judge, but how it’s the minuscule things like our acts of devotion, prayer, helping a stranger in a snowstorm or paying for the balance owing for the single mom in front of you digging in her purse for loose change to pay for her diapers that are the real lifetime achievements. Those seem to be a MUCH bigger deal to “God” and our higher or eternal self than any material success or Ph.D. and the traditional kind of gift exchanging we tend to do.
Loving-Kindness.
The ultimate achievement in life.
“The best portion of a good man’s life: his little, nameless unremembered acts of kindness and love.”
William Wordsworth
There is one subtlety few of us understand… ALL action has a karmic result, but if we do it for that karmic benefit, not out of a genuine desire to help, our action WEAKENS the benefit!
Can you discern a distinction in how you interact with people you meet between loving-kindness and attachment? Or is it transactional? Are you being loving and kind to the people you know that you can maybe someday get paid back from them?
10. Equanimity
This final step is about composure and grace.
Your non-reactivity, even-mindedness, and ability to remain calm and undisturbed no matter what chaos is happening around you.
It’s not about what is happening to us that matters, it is how we relate to it that matters. It’s about being the calm person in the boat when everyone around you is succumbing to their mind’s anxieties and panicking.
“When you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace, if you let go completely, you will have complete peace.
Your struggle in this world will have come to an end.”
Ajahn Chah
This one reminds me of the Dalai Lama. He was often quoted as saying that he often gets angry, but in the depth of his heart, he doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone. He can see that everyone wants to be happy and they are trying their best.
I feel that deeply.
Notice when you lose your equanimity.
What happened?
TADAAAAAA. And there you have it…all 10.
Are you getting the sense that this quest for personal integrity is not to be taken lightly?
The suffering in the world and our minds comes from a lack of attention to the things WE believe, think, say, and do.
Then our bodies react.
These teachings humble me.
I see myself wanting to enhance my position or pad the facts to make my idea more persuasive sometimes. None of the behaviors that used to seem very natural or “human” to me are very kind, gentle, true, beneficial, or uplifting.
They were about ME being right.
This stairway is a life-changing process of self-realization through compassionate inquiry that is available to ALL of us for free.
“Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.”
Ramana Maharshi
You can simply START where you are…
Climbing up on the very first step of being GENEROUS, will make you feel happy.
When we reach the top of the stairs we can see that the unburdened sweetness of life comes from a guilt-free mind.
From living in integrity.
The challenge seems to be in understanding that all these states DO benefit you, but that is not the motivation for doing them. Moral progress only becomes possible for us when we don’t believe everything we immediately think and when we question what we have been taught to do only what is most loving.
It is through our commitment to integrity that compassion arises and with it the greatest happiness of all…
peace of mind.
Our house is no longer haunted. We can stay. Open up the windows wide, feel the fresh cool spring breeze, and realize that we are free.
With love,
Rev Nona
ps. You may not hear the song ‘Walk the Talk’ (and Talk the Walk) by ROCKY DAWUNI on the top 40, but it made me smile because he seems to cover the pāramis in his lyrics.
Rocky is a three-time Grammy-nominated musician and activist. He promotes interfaith harmony creating sounds that unite generations and cultures and works to foster global peace. Dawuni has shared the stage with Stevie Wonder, Peter Gabriel, Bono, Jason Mraz, Janelle Monáe, and John Legend, among many others. Dawuni is a spokesperson for various global causes. He is a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador -he uses his music to shine a light on crucial issues facing humanity across the globe.